How I Got My Life Back

2013 has been an incredible year for me.  I don't think I can adequately describe all of the positive changes I have made in my life this year.  The most outwardly noticeable of all those changes is the 70 pounds I shed.  Several people have asked me how I have been able to do it and there is just so much I want to say that can't be said in a facebook comment so I decided to get it all out in a blog post.

Let me start out by saying that this is not going to be your ordinary post about losing weight.  My journey has consisted of SO MUCH more than just losing weight and I don't believe that I would be doing the internet world any good if I didn't share what I did and learned spiritually as well as mentally and physically.  

This time last year was a turning point for me.  My husband and I had been living under the cloud of codependency and addiction for almost 3 years.  It had made us almost completely non-functional in so many areas.  We simply could not handle any of the stresses of life.  We both turned to worldly sources to find relief from our troubles.  The relief we found was only temporary so we kept turning to them over and over again.  My form of relief?  Food.  I think it's a pretty common scenario that a lot of us turn to food to deal with stress, some more heavily than others.  I was so entrenched in all of the troubles I refused to deal with that my food addiction was severe.  It was impossible for me to look beyond myself.  The only way to describe it is an illness.  I was so sick.  Spiritually and physically.  I had absolutely no hope in my life.  Then we decided to make a life changing move and we were introduced to the Addiction Recovery Program run by LDS Family Services.  It was a wake up call.  I fell to me knees and finally turned all my troubles over to the Savior, just as I should have done from the beginning.  Such sweet hope entered into my heart and that's when the changes began.  It was right at the end of the year and so for the first time I made a New Year's resolution that I was committed to keeping.  I resolved to be a better me in all areas, one of those areas being to get my heath back.

And so here is where I share the wisdom I have gained throughout this year.  Just as a disclaimer: I am a very active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I wholeheartedly embrace the teachings of my church.  I believe that I have a very loving Heavenly Father watching out for me and proclaim Jesus Christ to be my Savior.  All of these beliefs are a huge part of my journey and I will share as they apply to the things I have learned.  If you do not share the same beliefs I strongly encourage you to still consider the things I have learned as they may apply to your own beliefs. 

1. The weight loss journey is so much more than just a physical one.  I had an issue with food.  A BIG one.  I turned to food instead of dealing with all of the negative things in my life.  I could never have conquered that issue without dealing with the emotions that caused me to turn to food.  I had to face them.  I had to fix them the right way.  I had to place all of my struggles at the Savior's feet and seek His help rather than attempting to stuff them down with food.  If I had just relied on my own willpower to stay away from food I would have failed.  Big time.  I had to get to the heart of the issue.  All of us that can't seem to say no to food or can't seem to get over how much we hate our bodies or don't find any worth in ourselves will never find a solution to our problems simply by losing weight.  We have to get a the heart of the issue and the issue usually needs to be fixed through spiritual means.

2. I never could have become the person I am now without the strength of the Lord.  I would be doing myself and others a huge disservice if I gave myself the credit for my success.  Yes, I did put in a LOT of hard work but ultimately I never would have had the power to overcome my struggles without the strength of the Lord carrying me through every step of the way.  All of the strength I have received is His strength.

3. It was never about losing weight.  Okay, that is a little bit of a lie.  There were times when I got very much caught up in the number on the scale but I never let it last long.  I did not start this year focused on losing weight.  I simply wanted to be healthy.  I wanted to learn how to treat my body with respect and give my body the things it needed.  I didn't care what weight I ended up being, I just wanted to be healthy.

4. I developed a close relationship with my body.  I worked to make my body my best friend.  I respected when my body protested to things I had eaten or done.  I learned to read all the cues my body gave me and actually listen to them.  When I realized that pop made me feel gross after I drank it, I stopped drinking it.  When my body felt really good after a glass of water, I drank more.  Believe it did not come easily, but as I saw the positive things that came from listening to my body I listened to it more.  My body has become one of my most precious gifts I have ever received.  It allows me to experience everything I do in this life.  I wouldn't be able to enjoy my children's hugs without it.  I wouldn't be able to sneak kisses from my husband without it.  I would not be able to do any of the things I enjoy without it.  Why would I not treat it with the utmost respect and listen to the cues it gives me?   After a whole year of practice I can finally say I have a pretty good understanding of my body and that means a lot to me.

5. Good old eating right and exercising go a long way.  I didn't do anything special to lose the weight.  I didn't try any special diet, in fact, I hate the D word.  I eat smaller portions of food more often throughout the day.  I drink TONS of water.  I don't drink pop and stay away from juices.  I stay away from processed foods and eat as much whole foods as I can.  I pay closer attention to the ingredients list than the nutrition facts.  I don't eat out very often and when I do I try to make wise choices.  I prepare myself ahead of time when I know that I will be in a situation where a lot of junk food is going to be around.  Exercise is a priority to me and I try to fit it in when I can.  I simply make the best choices I can.

6. BABY STEPS.  I don't think I can stress this enough.  Start out slow and steady.  Cut back on things rather than cut them out completely up front.  I cut back on the amount of pop I drank before I got to the point where I cut it out completely.  Start out small as you start to add in exercise and do a little more every day.  This will help you gradually incorporate those changes and make them stick.  Push yourself but don't set a goal that is unattainable.  This was a huge help to me.  I didn't focus on what I "should" be doing.  I focused on what I could do and I gradually built up strength for bigger things.

7. I learned from the mistakes I made and I picked myself up and kept moving.  I made a LOT of mistakes this year.  I didn't sail right through the year.  I look back on those mistakes with fondness because I was able to learn something every time.  I hardly knew anything when I got started.  It was a very long process of trial and error, learning what worked for me and what didn't.  And I never lost hope when I made a mistake. I didn't give up when I binged on junk before I had a chance to stop.  I didn't give up when I skipped too many days in a row of exercise.  And I didn't give up when my old attitudes came back and threatened to send me back to square one.  Every day is a new day.  Every hour is a new hour.  Every minute is a new minute.  And every second is a new second.  We ALWAYS have the chance to recommit ourselves and move forward.  I fought hard to get to where I am and I have learned to NEVER stop fighting.

And like every weight loss post I will share before and after pictures in hopes that you see more than just the weight loss.

This picture was taken at the end of September 2012.  It is so hard for me to look at this picture.  And it's not just because of my size.  I mourn for the Laina that sits in that picture.  She had lost all sense of who she was.  She felt like a failure and never felt good enough.  There is no light in those eyes, no hope.  She had no idea what she was worth and the potential she had to be a force for good.  I am so incredibly grateful to be able to say that all of that has changed

This picture was taken just 3 days ago.  I now know exactly who I am as a precious daughter of God.  I have a "perfect brightness of hope" in the Savior and in myself.  I feel the love of God in my life every. single. day.  I thrive under His love and direction.  I know I have incredible worth in my own life and in the lives of those who love me.  And I know that I have the potential to do great things on this earth.  I matter and I never doubt that anymore.

I also find great satisfaction in being a little sassy every now and again. ;)

A Hospital Visit and Other "Fun" Stuff

We officially had our first ER visit resulting in a 3 night hospital stay with Jarek. At the end of last month, on a Thursday, we noticed a blistered rash starting on his legs where his eczema is the worst. When it continued to get worse, we took him to the doctor that day where they sent us home with medicated lotion saying it was just his eczema. Well, it continued to get worse instead of better the next few days. And i mean worse. It was all over his body. I felt like something was really wrong but wasn't sure what to do. On Saturday, we went to urgent care because I was having symptoms of strep. The doctor happened to glance over at Jarek and was shocked by what he saw. He took a closer look and assured us that it wasn't eczema and recommended he see a dermatologist and take him to the ER if things got worse. After we got home we noticed it was bothering Jarek more than normal and the nagging feeling I had that something was really wrong wouldn't go away. After much discussion and prayer, Chad and I decided to take him to the ER. And so started the hardest week of my life.

Chad took Jarek to the hospital. I stayed home because of my strep and because Hadi is strictly breastfed. The doctors' best guess was that it was a strain of the herpes virus so they got Jarek on IV antiviral and checked him in for the night to keep an eye on him. He ended up staying 2 more nights. They were the hardest 3 days for me. I could hardly be with Jarek because of my strep and then because I had to stay home with Hadi, not wanting her at the hospital. On top of that, I developed a rash, what we thought was hives due to an allergic reaction to my antibiotic. That combined with my sore throat made me miserable. We finally got to take Jarek home on Tuesday. We took another trip to urgent care to see if they could do anything about my rash. That night Chad and I only got 2-3 hours of sleep because my rash was keeping me up and then Hadi kept us up. Then a few other things prevented us from finally getting over the hump until Thursday. But we finally got there! And we survived!

While it was the hardest week of my life I will forever be grateful for what it taught me. It was an incredibly humbling week. We got so much help from family and ward members. Lots of prayers were said in our behalf and I felt the strength of every single one of them. The Lord was keeping a very watchful eye on us. I haven't felt that that strongly in a long time. My eyes were opened to all the things I wasn't doing to have that Spirit with me all the time. It has made me a better person as I have prayed and read my scriptures more meaningfully since then. We were incredibly blessed by the Lord. He used so many people to help us feel loved and watched out for. For that I will forever be grateful.

And now for the final update on Jarek. We still do not have a definite answer as to what caused the rash. The culture they took to test for the heroes virus came back negative. My bet is one hand, foot, mouth disease. The rash I had turned out not to be hives and there's a good chance it could have been that. Also, we realize now, after knowing more about it, that Hadi had mild symptoms of it as well at the time. Whatever it was, it was not fun. Jarek was a champ through it all though. He got quite the reputation among the nurses for his good nature. He stayed his happy self through it all. He was a wonderful example to me of the best way to handle less than perfect situations. We sure love our little buddy!

The Beginning of a Lifetime of Friendship

Jarek is 100% in love with his baby sister.  He is always checking on her and showering her with kisses.  As time got closer to her arrival, I got more and more nervous of how Jarek would react, being still a little on the young side to really understand.  He loved her from day one and "baby" quickly became his favorite word.  It seems only too fitting that we named him after my two big brothers, the best big brothers I could have ever asked for.  He is already such a good and doting big brother.  He will be one on whom Hadi can always rely throughout the years.  I know there will be a lot of fighting as they grow up, but I hope that they will be able to find in each other a best friend, just like Chad and I have found in our own siblings.  You cannot find a closer friend than your sibling.

Introducing!

 Hadassah Rose Phelps

Born May 25, 2012 at 4:40pm

7lbs, 19in long

 

 Lucky for her, she inherited her daddy's famous dimples!

We all are so in love with this little girl!  None of us can get enough of her!  I mean, seriously, look at that face!

Lucky for mom, she did not come into the world the same way her brother did!  Labor was a total of about 7 hours.  Right from the beginning, contractions were very intense.  I quickly decided to go for an epidural this time around.  Looking back, I think it was heavenly inspiration.  I tested Group B Strep positive which means I had to be on IV antibiotics during labor.  And I needed to be on them for 4 hours before I delivered, otherwise we would have to stay an extra day in the hospital.  I saw the midwife at the office before going to the hospital.  At this point, only a few hours into labor, my contractions were only a couple minutes apart.  The midwife checked me and I was already dilated to a 6 and 100% effaced.  The midwife called ahead to the hospital and they whisked me in to hook up the IV as soon as I got there.  That was at 12:10pm so I had to hold off pushing until 4:10, if at all possible.  I'm afraid that if I had not gone for the epidural, I would not have been able to hold off.  I started feeling pressure to push before 4 but it wasn't bad so I held off.  The midwife got there just before 4:30, I started pushing and Hadassah entered the world after only several good pushes (I pushed for over 2 hours with Jarek!).

The Spirit in our home is so much sweeter with Hadi in it.  We are so blessed to have her in our family!

Almost done!

The bottom features a picture of me just a few days ago at 37 weeks. Crazy! This pregnancy has gone by so fast, yet SO slow. So happy to finally be down to the last few weeks! Chad and I are so ready to meet this little girl and to be one step closer to a complete family. We have so much love to give and are excited to shower it upon this new baby. What a blessing it is to be a part of such a beautiful process!

And so the countdown begins! Although, there has been a new development that may require an early delivery. Just within the last week I have developed all the symptoms for something called cholestasis (look it up, pretty interesting stuff. One of the symptoms is itchy hands and feet and it is driving me NUTS). They will do some blood work at my appointment tomorrow to confirm whether or not I have it. If I do, there is a good chance I will be induced early as it is not good for the baby. Anyway, no real answers yet but something we are preparing ourselves for.

I am so looking forward to this summer with a new baby and a toddler that loves to explore. I am so grateful for my little family and feel so blessed to see it grow. Life is good!

A Few Thoughts on Marriage

It's not easy. In fact, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. You go your whole life looking out for número uno, focusing on how to fulfill your own wants, needs, and aspirations and then after a simple ceremony one day you have a whole new set of needs and aspirations to fit in. And not to mention that you now share your space, bed, and spend most of your time with another person with a different personality and way of looking at things. It requires quite the adjustment and it definitely doesn't happen overnight. And after you adjust it doesn't end there.  It requires consistent work to make sure you don't fall back into your old single, selfish way of thinking.  And don't get me started on the pet peeves you don't discover until after you live together.  It's so easy to get negative about those and let them get under your skin but you have to work extra hard to let them go.

And of course there's the burning fire of romance, which burns so brightly while you're dating and you soon find out after you get married that it needs consistent feeding to keep burning.  Once the honeymoon stage ends, you get so wrapped up in responsibilities that it's easy to forget to spend that one on one time together.  And it's that much harder once you add kids to the mix.

So I guess you could say that my synonym of choice for marriage would be WORK.  But, boy, does that work pay off!  Just like everything else that requires hard work, it provides the greatest paycheck.  The reward is a deeper love than you ever imagined you would have in your life, both to give to someone else and to receive in return.  You have somebody you can always go to to laugh with, cry with, and to simply enjoy life with.  You have the best friend you've ever had by your side to hold your hand as you face whatever life throws your way.  You have the security of knowing that you are never alone.  What more could you need to get through this scary thing called life?!

And with that, I would like to end by saying thank you to my husband.  Thank you for putting as much or even more work into our marriage as I do.  Thank you for seeing past my imperfections and loving me anyways.  Thank you for supporting me in achieving my hopes and dreams.  Thank you for helping and encouraging me to reach my full potential.  Thank you for being my best friend.

Te amo!

A Day In The Life

This little boy sure makes me laugh.